Marital Advice

I was on an airplane today sitting in front of a couple who bickered the entire flight.  Their bickering was textbook.  She would shoot him down and he would say something disapproving of her, then she would shoot him down again and he would fire something back.  This went on and on.  I was so annoyed, but I knew that they are not alone in their fighting habits.  In fact, I wrote a note to them about something I learned when Jason I first got married.  I prayed about it, but didn’t feel at all led to give them the note.  However, writing it was therapeutic for me.  So, I have decided to share my advice with you.

When Jason and I were engaged we joined a marriage Sunday school class at our church.  It was a year long class that we both loved.  During the year we read different books about marriage and then discussed them on Sundays.  One of the books was Love & Respect, by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.  I have to admit that I didn’t read the book, and I only saw one of the 6 or so DVDs, but the one that I did see was the overview to the others, and it was enough.  This guy is spot on.  In fact, I really do need to read the book.

He talks about how communication in marriage takes place in a cycle.  If the man feels disrespected then he responds by making his wife feel unloved.  When the wife feels unloved she responds by making him feel disrespected and the cycle goes on and on and on and on.  The only way to break this cycle is for someone to stop and respond in the way their partner needs them to.  If the man responds with love then the wife will respond with respect which will cause the man to respond with more love and the wife to respond with more respect and the cycle goes on and on and on and on.  It is such a simple concept, but somehow not obvious to us at all.  When you are fighting with your significant other, stop and take the high road.  Even though you desperately want to send one more arrow, don’t.  Take the high road by responding with what your partner needs rather than what you want to give.  In the end, it will result in you also getting what you need.  For the man, you will gain her respect.  For the woman, you will gain his love.  Men need to feel respected and women need to feel loved.  That’s it and that’s all.  See if the simplicity of this truth doesn’t change your marriage/relationship. 

You can visit the Love and Respect website at http://loveandrespect.com/.  This is on their home page:

What is Love & Respect? We believe love best motivates a woman and respect most powerfully motivates a man. Research reveals that during marital conflict a husband most often reacts when feeling disrespected and a wife reacts when feeling unloved.  We asked 7,000 people this question: when you are in a conflict with your spouse or significant other, do you feel unloved or disrespected?  83% of the men said "disrespected."  72% of the women said, "unloved."  Though we all need love and respect equally, the felt need differs during conflict, and this difference is as different as pink is from blue!

Try it on your spouse/significant other and let me know what you think.